The OPC raised me well. Even in my earliest memories, my church felt like home. But when I returned as a young adult from serving two years on a mission field, I began to feel deeply the tension of being single and childless in a church community that centers much of its energy on families. Although I felt no less loved by my church or the churches in my presbytery, I sensed the strain of not quite having a place in the family and the unintended pressures of well-intentioned church members who so dearly hoped—like I myself did—that I would find a spouse. In 2020, as so many of us sequestered in isolation, the unique need of Christian singles to be wrapped up in the fellowship of the family of Christ became more apparent. So, I began a series of interviews with Christian singles of various ages and backgrounds—some of which have been included here—to try to better understand how the church can care for these particular members of its body.

No two people are exactly the same, nor are any two churches. Some congregations may have already invested well in their singles; others may wish to do better. This article aims to be a starting point from which further conversations can be had between the saints of all ages and life stages about what it looks like to bring singles into church fellowship.

The Need to Belong to the Family of Christ

Humans need other humans for companionship, care, and accountability. Singles are no exception. Brenda Landmon, who grew up in an OPC in Long Beach, California, did not get married until she was thirty-four. She observed that churches can miss the pressing need of providing singles with genuine fellowship if they focus heavily on “opportunities to meet other Christians so [singles] can be married.” There’s value to those singles events, Landmon explained, but “I was always afraid to go because I was like, ‘Can I just go to meet other people?’”

The Apostle Paul—notably single himself—encouraged the saints across the Roman empire to recognize that the members of Christ’s body are each different and each valuable. These members might be married or single, and there is goodness, value, and God-ordained purpose in both. “There is more to serving singles than finding them a mate,” Landmon said.

The biblical model for walking a life of faith is to do so within the context of a church. Including singles in fellowship is no different from including any other Christian who has been brought into the household of God.

Joel Ellis, who was pastor of Reformation OPC in Apache Junction, Arizona, for nine years and is a father of five, noted that churches can lose covenant children because they have not brought them into the church as participating members. “They grow up and leave the church because they were never part of it,” he said.

This applies to singles all too well—many of whom are covenant children who are now too old for youth or college ministries but do not have a place in the married-, parent-, and family-oriented programs a church might support. Ellis warns, “The people that are the least connected are the ones that are the most liable to fall away from the faith.”

All believers should feel they have a family in their church. To do this well, Ellis says, believers need to practice intentional cross-demographic fellowship. “The church needs to be intergenerational, just like it needs to be interethnic and inter-economic—every other distinction that matters in the world doesn’t matter in the church,” he said. “The church is God’s family, so as much as that family can be together, I think the church is better off.”

Being Together

Intergenerational fellowship is clearly outlined in Scripture as a model for the saints. Courtney Van Hooser, who spent many of her single years at an OPC in Southern California, said a group of older women made it their “duty and task” to look after her, even as Van Hooser struggled with singleness.

The secular world idolizes romantic love, and the broader Christian community can idealize marriage and family, leaving many singles feeling pressured and torn in their seasons of singleness. Has God not been faithful to them? Are they missing out on something essential to the Christian life? Will they be less fulfilled, less a part of the church family, or have less purposeful lives?

Van Hooser said that rising above these doubts can feel impossible. Her friends helped. “I’ve really appreciated it when some of these older women . . . will just flat out say, ‘Yeah, [marriage] might not be God’s plan for your life,’” Van Hooser said. “It was just such a relief to hear someone say that, because it’s so hard to battle lies on your own.”

Singles also benefit from being welcomed into brother-sister fellowship. Dana Schnitzel, a member of Calvary OPC in Glenside, Pennsylvania, said there can be wonderful blessings when brothers and sisters in Christ are able to wrap each other up in their lives, such as a married couple adopting a single guy or gal in friendship or serving one another practically when needs arise. As co-laborers in the church, and coheirs to an eternal inheritance, healthy fellowship is both a bulwark and a gift.

“When we seek out healthy intimacy, we are less likely to be tempted by unhealthy intimacy,” Schnitzel said. “As a single woman, I do need my brothers in the church. Sometimes I need their help and advice, and sometimes I just need help changing my tire. I think there can be, to some degree, healthy friendships that help meet some of those needs.”

Although it can be convenient to provide individualized ministries—to men or women, wives, mothers, singles, children, young adults—these lines do not always accurately reflect the needs of the congregation.

Lisa Howard, a longtime Sunday school teacher at Harvest OPC in San Marcos, California, said, “One of the reasons I didn’t want to join a singles’ Bible study is because I love my married friends, too, and have so much to learn from them.” Now in her seventies, Howard said it has been her joy to pray for, encourage, and support the married couples in her church. Enjoying “intergenerational, inter-situational” fellowship has enriched her life and her walk with the Lord. “We can only grow from each other’s unique experiences,” she said.

“I wouldn’t want to be in a church where the singles are only interacting with other singles. That’s not healthy,” said Joel Ellis. “Where are the married couples’ kids going to find single role models if some of them are called to singleness? My kids, and my wife and I, need our single brothers and sisters in our lives, but my single brothers and sisters also need the wackiness of my household in their lives. That’s a blessing to them, and they need that too.”

Deeply Known

Christian fellowship is a labor of love. Sitting in the quiet nursing home room of an elderly saint for an hour, setting aside time to help a single person move apartments, or preparing the house and a dinner for company requires effort, planning, and time that often feels in short supply.

“Relationships aren’t efficient—they take time and energy,” Schnitzel said. “In order to cultivate fellowship and friendship, you have to do it on purpose; it doesn’t happen by accident. And if it happens to you by accident, it’s because someone else did it on purpose.”

But precious joy resides in being truly, deeply known by those in the church.

“You can take off the mask of pretending to have everything together and all your ducks in a row and actually be real with someone with what it is you’re struggling with, what it is you need prayer for,” Van Hooser said. “You can cry on their shoulder.”

We are meant to rejoice together and suffer with one another. The communion of the saints found within our churches is one of the means by which God richly blesses his people. What a sweet comfort this communion can be for single brothers and sisters in the church, often without organic family structures in their own lives, who are in great need of spiritual siblings, parents, and children. Our mutual fellowship nourishes the saints, further binding the body of Christ together in unity and love until at last the Lord comes again for his people.

The author is a member of Skyview Presbyterian Church (PCA) in Centennial, Colorado. New Horizons, March 2025.